Looking At The World From The Bottom Of A Well

Here it is, the end of the calender year. Suicide Watch Songs is a short two months of being a year old. As I write this, my area is experiencing it's first significant snowfall of the season, something I could never trade for a million sunny southern days. It's a magical time for me, a happy time. It's one of many facets of life that work backwards for me. I like the cold and snow more than warmth and sun. I also like depressing songs more than uplifting ones. Happy music without tension or accomplishment drains me and depresses me like no other. Sad songs, on the other hand, fill me up like fuel. They keep me going like nothing else can.

Mike Doughty is someone who's music I have wanted to write about for quite a while. He was the founder and destroyer of Soul Coughing, an amazing vision into what hip-hop could have been, a more direct descendant of beat poetry. Not that hip-hop should be anything other than what it is, but, well check it out, you'll see what I mean. After beating his addiction to heroin, Doughty continued to tour as a solo act. I had the chance to see him many years back and he ranks in my head as the most entertaining solo performer I have ever seen. For instance, during the entire show there are a group of hardcore fans (I was new to Doughty's work at this time) yelling for a song called "FIRE TRUCK!" The whole night Doughty keeps putting it off telling us that we weren't ready for it yet. Then I get this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byi2gkoEKwU , or something close to it. You can tell from this short clip how well he understands entertainment, how he is able to create tension in a few mere seconds as you're waiting for the payoff.

At the end of the show Doughty said "In five minutes I'm going to sit down right here at the edge of the stage and sell copies of my album for five dollars. I hope you come up and buy one because all of the proceeds are going directly into my gas tank." The album Skittish had no distributor, and this was pre-iTunes, so the only way to get the album legally was to buy it directly from him. When I bought mine I told him "I'm glad I finally get to buy a copy of this." "What'd you download it?" "A friend burned it for me." He signed the paper case that holds a CD-R very similar to the one I already had and hands it to me, "Eh, get out of here."

So why wait so long to tackle a Doughty song? Well, I cover hopeless, desperate music, and while Doughty's music may be desperate, it is full of hope. I mean boiling over with hope. All his characters are reaching up, and reaching out, and moving forward. They are not stagnant in their own drive. So today we are going to do something different, we are going to take a look at the lead off track from Mike Doughty's third album Haughty Melodic

"Looking At The World From The Bottom Of A Well", by Mike Doughty, from Haughty Melodic



This is Haughty Melodic's lead off track, and the first thing you notice if you're a long time Doughty listener is the change in production. Doughty's work previous to this album was very thin in texture, usually not more than an acoustic guitar and vocals. Here we have multiple guitar tracks, full drum kit, bass, keys, percussion, and sax. It's quite a leap from what we're accustomed.

Our first verse is a longing daydream. "That Cuban girl that brought me low, she had that skin so fine and red lips rose like now. Her mouth was wide and sweet as well, but now relentless hours a'dreaming of her smell." Yeah. There is no better way to phrase that. It is followed by the title of the song in chorus form. "I feel as if I am looking at the world from the bottom of a well." I am separate. I am not part of the world, only moving through it, and I am distanced from that world. I am trapped and subject to stay that way without help, and thus even if I wanted to climb out, I can't.

And yet, a ray of hope. "Lonely, and the only way to beat it is to bat it down," repeated many times. You have to keep going, because, well, simple and poignant, the only way to beat it is to bat it down.

"Oh all the days that I have run I sought to lose that cloud that's blacking out the sun. My train will come some one day soon and when it comes I'll ride it bound from night to noon." I love the imagery of that line. Often people use the allegory of a train. While they are nearly nonexistent to the average American today, the symbolism of the train is something that is pervasive in American culture. So much so that it's usage can mean many things. A train is big, and powerful, and constantly moving. Trains take you away from places you need to leave. You have to wait for a train and thus it is something to build anticipation. Don't forget also that one cannot stand still on a moving train, and do your best to avoid train wrecks.  Yet the beauty of that line is not the train, but it's destination. Doughty is riding a train that is departing night to arrive at noon. They are not times, but places. The train Doughty is waiting for picks one up in darkness and drops them off at light.

After another chorus we fall into a bridge, and a slight return to reality. "Aimless days, uncool ways of decathecting." To withdraw one's feelings of attachment from a person, idea, or object. "Painless phase, blacked out thoughts you'll be rejecting." From which we breakdown once again to "Lonely, and the only way to beat it is to bat it down." Keep going.

"Well let's get down, to business now ..."

and then the full on, full texture, everyone blasting last chorus, guitar solo, and dissolve.

And there you have it, a mention of hope. So, on to something more serious.

Did you know that it is false that there are more suicides in the cold weather months and around holidays? Studies show that suicide rates are highest in the springtime. I am certainly no expert, but no matter how detached we feel, we tend to spend more time with our loved ones during this season. We tend to lean on each other to get through it. Even those with very few in our lives lean heavy on our friends and acquaintances. I mentioned that sad music is the stuff that keeps me going, which is absolutely true. In writing about what I do, I do not mean to make light of a such a serious subject. As I mentioned, this kind of music keeps me moving forward in my life and has helped greatly in pulling me out of my darkest depths. I write not only because I enjoy it, but also because I hope there are some that share this viewpoint. Those of you that have had someone close to you commit suicide, a group of which I am a member, know that there are no words to describe how hard and perplexing of a situation one is left in. If you have any doubt about anyone, reach out. Maybe it doesn't matter much, but let those around you know that someone cares, that someone will listen, that they are not alone. I'm not saying, nor do I believe that we can fix each others problems, but I know that harm can come from letting people know you care.

And hey, if you're looking for a charity to give to this holiday season, look up Hopeline/1-800-Suicide, or buy a Post-Secret book! If you are unaware of Post-Secret, you definitely need to check them out. It is an ongoing non-profit community art project wherein people mail in secrets anonymously on a postcard and any money they generate goes to helping out Hopeline.

As always suggest, comment, and berate either on this page, on this page, or email suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net

Charlie Darwin

Oh My God, Life is cold and formless. Oh My God, it's all around.

The Low Anthem was formed in 2006 by Ben Knox Miller and Jeffery Prystowsky met as DJ's at Brown University's WBRU radio station in 2006. After the recording, well kind of during the recording of their first album they added clarinetist Jocie Adams. The band put out their first two albums, What the Crow Brings, and Oh My God, Charlie Darwin on their own. Recently the band signed to Nonesuch records, who have rerelased OMGCD and are going to put out The Low Anthem's next album Smart Flesh in February of 2011. Today we're going to look at the lead off track from The Low Anthem's second album, "Charlie Darwin"

"Charlie Darwin" by The Low Anthem from Oh My God, Charlie Darwin



My good friends will tell you that when I see a movie I really like for the first time, that I make huge extreme statements like "That's the best movie I've ever seen." Keeping that in mind, I truly think that this is the best music video I have ever seen. Besides the fact that I am a sucker for claymation, I can't think of a video that more adequately says exactly what the song is about. Don't believe me? Watch it with the sound off.

"Set the sails, I feel the winds a'stirring. Toward the bright horizon set the way. Cast your wreckless dreams upon our Mayflower, haven from the world and her decay."
I am young and idealistic. The world is at my command, and though there is so much wrong, and so much falling apart, I can leave that. I have the power to set my sails, take my own Mayflower towards that brighter horizon. I choose to rise out of the rubble and set sail for friendlier waters.

The vocals are so beautiful in this song. They sit so soundly in their sonic space. I feel like I'm in a cathedral, but I'm listening to folk music, not church music. The blend between the organ and the background vocals is so smooth that I don't know where one starts and the other ends.

"And who could heed the words of Charlie Darwin, fighting for a system built to fail, spooning water from their broken vessels. As far as I can see there is no land." Only a fool would fight for something foolish. Why would a man stand for such crazy ideas.

"Oh my God, the water's all around us. Oh my God, it's all around." It's a realization. There has been a fundamental change in the protagonists world view. His world has flooded and the world he remembered has been buried by water. His landscape is completely different now, and he has to rationalize the person he is within this new world.

"And who could heed the words of Charlie Darwin. The lords of war just profit from decay, and trade their children's promise for the jingle the way we trade our hard earned time for pay." What a lyric. 'The lords of war just profit from decay' Men are driven to destroy for their own gain. 'And trade their children's promise,' their children's world. The place that we are supposed to leave better for others. That which we have promised our children. "The way we trade our hard earned time for pay.' Hard earned time, not hard earned pay. One works for time, for freedom, not monetary gain, but we all need monetary gain to support time. Life is hard, and as much as one would like to, we often cannot live within our ideals.

"Oh my God, the water's cold and shapeless. Oh my God, it's all around." The world has changed. I am not living in the same place. Am I even the same person? How can I claim to be? "Oh my God, Life is cold and formless. Oh my God, it's all around." What a dichotomy. Life is cold and formless, but we're surrounded by it. Something that had meaning, now has no meaning. Wait, that can't be right. It has meaning, but a different meaning. What is that meaning and is it important? Do I have meaning anymore? Am I important?

Like Sparklehorse's "It's A Wonderful Life," I knew from the second I heard this song that I wanted to do an analysis of it, but I couldn't pinpoint why it fit. One could listen to this song and only grab the idealogical battle between evolutionists and creationists, but the roots of this song go much deeper. It is about a man that has his world turned upside down. He no longer understands the world around him, or his place in it. A persons' self image is justified by the world around them, and thus, as the world around him changes, he himself changes. If a man's world changes so much that he no longer recognizes it, then he no longer recognizes himself either.

Thanks once again for reading. Feel free to leave comments here, at suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net, or at the new 'Dictatorship of the Proletariat' Forum at CommunistDayCareCenter.net. We've had some issues due to the jerks of the interwebs, so now you have to register to post, but we'd love to have you as part of the CDCC family.

The Antlers - Hospice, Pt. II

Now we return, faithful and valiant readers, to complete our journey through The Antlers' Hospice

Hospice (Tracks 6-10), by The Antlers


http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=CE46CAF7437867A4
 
Thirteen, or Sylvia Speaks Ambient wash left over from Bear turns into waves, and then dissipates. After a moment of silence we realize we are in a large room with a piano as Sylvia pleads "Pull me out. Can't you stop all this from happening? Close the doors and keep them out." A harmony vocal is added for the second verse, but it feels more like it's a layering of repeated commands rather than a second person. "Dig me out. Couldn't you have kept all this from happening. Dig me out from under our house." Forgiving the prologue, this is the shortest song on the album, but it's the one that tells the most. It's the most important song on the album and the one that points out the elephant in the room.

What are we really talking about here? What are we really experiencing through this album? The album is not literally about a hospice worker and patient relationship, but rather a relationship through the guise of a hospice worker and patient. The cancer is the relationship, and it's symptoms the way that Sylvia behaves towards the protagonist, and even though our protagonist is trying as hard as he can to save Sylvia, and Sylvia wants nothing more than to be saved, there is no way out. The deeper our protagonist goes in, the more he loves Sylvia, but also the deeper he goes, the more he is poisoned. It is evident, that eventually, and through a lot of pain, that this will not work out.

Two, or I Would Have Saved Her If I Could Epiphanies feel like they come out of no where, even when you see all the steps. It's as though one is filling out a really good connect the dots picture where the picture is completely obscured until the last line is laid down. Ideas become cemented like stills from movies. click.

The first line of this song is "In the middle of the night I was sleeping sitting up, when a doctor came to tell me 'Enough is enough.'" click. "He brought me out into the hall (I could have sworn it was haunted), and told me something that I didn't know that I wanted to hear: That there was nothing I could do to save you, the choir's gonna sing, and this thing is gonna kill you." 'Something that I didn't know I wanted to hear.' click. 'There was nothing I could do to save you.' click. 'This thing is gonna kill you.' click, print, put it in a frame. It's not an easy realization. Our protagonist likens it to glass raining down on him opening up newly healed scars.

At this inopportune moment he hears Sylvia howling and goes to try to comfort her. Our accompaniment of guitar becomes more full, adding electric guitar and drums. She mentions a dream, a recollection, and then we get "Daddy was an asshole, he fucked you up, built the gears in your head, now he greases them up." After this verse the texture thickens and we get more keys and guitar.

"Tell me when you think that we became so unhappy, wearing silver rings with nobody clapping." Have you ever been the one not clapping? I've been the one not clapping more often than I'd like to admit. Unfortunately there's a kind of blinders that come with a relationship where one can't see things from the outside and they don't notice things get bad, or a sense of righteousness keeps pulling them back. As a friend, all you can do is watch and be there when they fall. A sampling of the following lyrics: "When we moved here together we were so disappointed, sleeping out of tune with our dreams disjointed. ...but I didn't mind the things you threw, the phones I deflected. I didn't mind you blaming me for your mistakes, I just held you in the door frame through all of the earthquakes." I took it. I took it, for you. Our protagonist is just as much to blame as Sylvia. He knows this is bad, but in some way he views it as noble to stay. Real men stick it out. This is my girl and I love her, so if this is what I have to do, this is what I have to do.

"But you packed up your clothes in that back every night, and I would grab at your ankles (what a pitiful sight.) But over a year, I stopped trying to stop you from stomping out that door, coming back like you always do." And eventually there is no fight left. You just, move, and be. Exist, but at a slower pace. Things lose color, life loses energy. You're the one sick now.

The texture has grown bigger and bigger, but it breaks on the next verse which culminates on this lyric: "So there's no open doors, and there's way to get through, there's no other witnesses, just us two." The texture starts to build, including the addition of a second vocal to a verse about 'two.' "Two ways to tell the story. ...Two silver rings on our fingers in a hurry. ... Two people believing that I'm the one to blame, two different voices coming out of your mouth, while I'm too cold to care and too sick to shout. "

The texture approaches it's thickest as we enter the chorus/dreamscape from earlier in the song, and when that is finished, the song cuts on it's resolve and morphs into an ghostly reverb filled pair of moans slowly pulsing and dying.

Shiva, or Portacaths Switched A simple, distorted keyboard line characterizes "Shiva." By distorted I don't mean overdriven guitar style distortion, but a misrepresentation of the sound due to holes punched throughout until it barely represents its original self. Soon we are accompanied by guitar, piano, and drums in the cyclical 'three' feel.

"Suddenly every machine stopped at once, and the monitors beeped the last time. Hundreds of thousands of hospital beds, and all of them empty but mine." The sickness finally got the best of us. "The bed was misshaped, and awkward and tall, and clearly intended for you."

"You checked yourself out when you put me to bed, and tore that old band off your wrist. But you came back to see me for a minute or less, and left me your ring in my fist. My hair started growing, my face became yours, my femur was breaking in half. The sensation was scissors too much to scream, so instead, I just started to laugh."

Alone. Not that we weren't before, but now I am.

Wake, or Letting People In There is a reverence to this song. It feels like a hallowed secret. As listener we play the role of the priest in confession. In the distance we hear the choir, but right up to our ear we hear the whisper. Church is an accurate setting as well for this aptly titled tune, because the song has as much to do with waking up as it does with honoring the dead.

"With the door closed, shades drawn, the world shrinks. Let's open up those blinds." That same tunnel vision that keeps one from seeing the situation they are in, eventually closes them off from everything else. "Now that everyone's an enemy, my heart sinks. Let's put away those claws." Because I'm still the one to blame. I ruined everything, and I left. It's my burden. "It was easier to lock the doors and kill the phones than to show my skin, because the hardest thing is never to repent for someone else, it's letting people in." I can apologize for everything that was out of my control. I can take the blame for something that someone else did. I just can't tell you why.

"Well you can come inside, unlock the door, take off your shoes, but this might take all night to explain to you I would have walked out those sliding doors, but the timing never seemed right." It never does, and would you have, really? "When your helicopter came and tried to lift me out, I put it's rope around my neck, and after that you didn't bother with the airlift or the rescue. You knew just what to expect." A true friend won't hang you, and while they'll try to dissuade you, they have to let you hang yourself. "We can't rely on photographs and visitation time, but I just don't know where to begin. I wanna bust down the door if you're willing to forgive. I've got the keys, I'm letting people in." A good friend will also come back, be there when it's time.

The music cuts back to a descending lament piano line with a feedback accompaniment. As we land, the ground feels unstable with low, dark chords, and we are given the morals of the album, a code by which to live, something to remember in troubled and trying times:

"Don't be scared to speak,
Don't speak with someone's tooth,
Don't bargain when you're weak,
Don't take that sharp abuse.
Some patients can't be saved, but that burden's not on you."


The album builds to it's apex on with continuous repeat of the following statement

"Don't ever let anyone tell you you deserve that."

Epilogue, or Sylvia Alive In Nightmares In a recap of "Bear" we take a look at our protagonist after some time has passed. We find that he is haunted by his past with Sylvia. The second verse brings us into a nightmare. "So I lie down against your back, until we're both back in the hospital, but now it's not a cancer ward, we're sleeping in the morgue. Men and women in blue and white they are singing all around you, with heavy shovels holding earth. You're being buried to your neck in that hospital bed, being buried quite alive now. I'm truing to dig you out but all you want is to be buried there together. You're screaming, and cursing, and angry, and hurting me, and then smiling, and crying, and apologizing." It never stops.

"I've woken up, I'm in our bed, but there's no breathing body there beside me. Someone must have taken you while I was stuck asleep. But I know better as my eyes adjust, You've been gone for quite awhile now, and I don't work there in the hospital, they had to let me go." Because I could no longer take care of hospice patients, could no longer be a grief mop, no longer pour everything into something that will leave me, and then haunt me."

..."But you return to me at night, just when I think I may have fallen asleep. Your face is up against mine, and I'm too terrified to speak. You're screaming, and cursing, and angry, and hurting me, and then smiling, and crying, and apologizing."

The music runs headlong into a beautifully overdriven and processed guitar line that slowly fades, and ...

There you have it, a precious, and dark, and painful view into the wounded mind of a man in an abusive relationship told through the heroic view of a hospice worker and his patient.

I hope you enjoyed this in depth look at a full album. We're quickly approaching the one year anniversary of suicide watch songs, and with any luck we'll be here again next November with another in depth analysis of a dark album. Please if you have anything to add feel free to comment here, at suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net, or at the new forum over at communistdaycarecenter.net/Forum, where I invite you to take your own interpretation of the bonus track from Hospice, "Sylvia, An Introduction"

Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7sinGefeOg

Lyrics: http://theantlershospice.blogspot.com/2008/06/lyrics.html

The Antlers, Hospice - Part I

November may be my favorite month. Fall has set in, it is a heavy time for heavy thought. We need to go deeper at this time of year. There needs to be more substance, more fuel for the fire to power us through. With this thought in mind, this month, and every November from this point on is going to take a look at not but a few measly songs, but a full Suicide Watch Album to be split up among the two post dates. For this inaugural installment we are going to look at the 2009 concept album Hospice by The Antlers

Hospice (Tracks 1-5), by The Antlers


http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=97A3A6DFC91721DA

The above playlist is of the first five songs off of the ten song album. The track titles are as follows:
1. Prologue
2. Kettering
3. Sylvia
4. Atrophy
5. Bear

I attempted to find interesting videos for the playlist. "Sylvia" and "Bear" are both official videos. "Prologue" and "Kettering" are fan made, and apparently no one has made a video yet for my favorite song of this half, "Atrophy"

You can download a PDF of the liner notes for the album direct from the band's website here: http://www.antlersmusic.com/linernotes.pdf  This will help fill in the gaps as I do not plan to disect every lyric on the album.

The Antlers started as a solo project by New Yorker, Peter Silberman. Originally Silberman recorded and released multiple Antlers recordings by himself. In 2007 he started work on Hospice, in the process enlisting help from musicians Michael Lerner and Darby Cicci. Hospice was originally released by the band themselves, and then later picked up and rereleased by Frenchkiss Records. Since that time it has gone on to huge success. Today we will look at the first half of Silberman's concept album opus, Hospice.

1. Prologue What better time to give you some background information but at the prologue. If interpreted as though we trust our narrator, the lyrics decree Hospice as the tale of a the relationship between a hospice worker and his patient . The prologue does so much to help paint this picture. Knowing that we start in a medical setting, doesn't the prologue show us and enhance this image? Those warning bells and beeping monitors are all distorted by the low hum of machines, and echo down those hallways so white and clean while the fluorescent lighting feels like its pulsing and burning into ones head. It's a place so strong, yet so out of place, filled with those so frail, but so certain.

2. Kettering, or Bedside Manner "Kettering" follows our introduction and gives us some exposition regarding our backstory. It starts "I wish that I had known in that first minute we met that unpayable debt that I owed you. Because you'd been abused by the bone that refused you, and you hired me to make up for that." A seemingly simple statement, but it can be taken a multitude of ways. What are we being hired for? Is the statement cut and dried, where one is hired for a job, or are we agreeing to something different, some ill-conceived plot, akin to a deal with the devil? What is the debt that our protagonist owed? What exactly is he making up for? 

There is a low oscillating fuzz throughout the entire song, but I always notice it during the line "the singing morphine alarms out of tune keep you sleeping and even..." It is a strong statement only to be flipped in the next verse to "You make me sleep and uneven, and I didn't believe them when they told me that  there was no saving you."  And we wait a moment, to then be plunged into a swirling depth of vocals, chords, drums, and noise, almost as if it took a while for the weight of that particular statement to hit us. The cacophony withdraws, but we are left feeling unresolved, and the song ends with a click, as though an effect was turned off on the recording, or maybe as though someone flipped a lightswitch and walked away.

3. Sylvia, or Sliding Curtains Shining Children's Heads  "Sylvia" starts with more of those distorted, processed tones. At first we are led to believe that they are just noise, ambiance raised to the level of awareness, but the pitches start to change and move. Finally there is a musical cadence and resolution and we are certain that this is harmonic material. What Silberman has done here is crossed that line between the music and the story, causing us to be unsure of where one ends and the other begins.

Our protagonist enters apologizing but uncertain of what he has done wrong. He tells Sylvia "You swing first." As the alarms fade into synth chords he begs "Let me do my job." We are then hit forcefully by the full band, and our protagonist yelling and pleading "Sylvia get your head out of the oven. Go back to screaming, and cursing. Remind me again how everyone betrayed you." We now understand that anger and resentment from Sylvia, and cowering and placation from our protagonist is the normal interaction between these two. The yelling stops, but the music continues. There is some kind of resolution, but there is still all this energy in the air, and then you hear buried beneath it all a hidden melodic phrase echoing and mirroring the chorus, like repeating the argument in your head. A calming verse follows, and then another chorus. After the chorus this time we get the same continuance as before, but this time with a harmonized horn line repeating the argument.

The music breaks apart and we're lost in free time with trickling noises that sound lost somewhere between rain, glass, and snow. The chorus comes back with a whisper and a light strum on the guitar and quietly as it started the song ends.

4. Atrophy, or Rings Ill-fitting is a song of introspection, and in that our protagonist sees that he is making his decisions while walking on eggshells around Sylvia. "You've been living awhile in the front of my skull, making orders. You've been writing me rules, shrinking maps, redrawing borders. I've been repeating your speeches, but the audience just doesn't follow. Because I've been leaving out words, punctuation, and it sounds pretty hollow." The audience doesn't get it, they don't understand. Who is this audience? Friends? relatives? It's everyone. Everyone thinks he's crazy for sticking around.
"Little porcelain figurines, glass bullets you shot at the wall. Threats of castration for crimes you imagine when I miss your call." Accusations of things that are so far from the truth. He's willing to do anything you ask, but he must be hurting you in someway, right? "With the bite of the teeth of that ring on my finger, I'm bound to your bedside, your eulogy singer." They're married, and now for the most selfless lyric on the album, the proof of our protagonist's intention, and maybe also an insight into their psyche and why they would remain in such a bad situation "I'd happily take all those bullets inside you and put them inside of myself."
The song builds and eventually breaks into a reverbative fuzz. From that we come back once again to the solo singer with acoustic guitar "Someone, oh anyone, tell me how to stop this. She's screaming, expiring, and I'm her only witness. I'm freezing, infected, and rigid in that room inside her. No one's gonna come as long as I lay in bed beside her. " That's right, our protagonist has to get out of that bed himself. No one will come and help him, and if she is alone, then there is a reason for it.

5. Bear, or Children Become Their Parents Become Their Children In brilliant text painting, "Bear" opens up with an dreamy sounding electric piano playing with the melody of "Twinkle, Twinkle," hiding it just enough to make it not quite the familiar lullaby. "There's a bear inside your stomach, a cub's been kicking from within. He's loud, though without vocal cords, we'll put an end to him. We'll make all the right appointments, no one ever has to know, " I love the juxtaposition of the light, happy music, to the dark emotional subject matter of abortion.

The verse finishes and the full band comes in with the chorus of "We're too old. We're not old at all. Just too old. We're not old at all." Like a difference in perspective. Which one of them feels old? Which doesn't? Are they starting to realize how different they are?

The chorus resolves back to the minimalistic verse. "There's a bear inside your stomach, a cub's been kicking you for weeks, and if this isn't all a dream, well then we'll cut him from beneath. Well we're not scared of making caves, or finding food for him to eat. We're terrified of one another, terrified of what that means." We're not scared of terminating the pregnancy, or of taking care of the child, we are afraid of being parents, and more so, how the other will parent. "But we'll make only quick decisions, and you'll just keep me in the waiting room, and all the while I'll know we're fucked, and not getting unfucked soon." This is it. This is the event to tear us apart. "When we get home we're bigger strangers than we've ever been before. You sit in front of snowy television, suitcase on the floor." We enter another chorus which builds and builds until...

I know, it's a horrible way to leave off. The final resolution is the first hit of the next track. (That is if you're listening to the album version, the video hits it.) Anywho, I suppose we'll have to wait. Come back on the fifteenth to see what happens, same Suicide Watch, same Suicide channel.

As always, feel free to comment here or at suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net 

Alone

This installment's song is one of the tunes that made me realize that I really liked sad songs. With a handful of others, when I first heard it many years ago, it reached right in and opened a tap within me that has yet to be shut off. I recently came across what I assume is a demo version of the song on You Tube and immediately decided it must make this installment of Suicide Watch Songs.

"Alone" by Ben Harper from Burn To Shine



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMznBR_gTvY

The version actually from Burn To Shine can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwQVt9PM2ho.
(Note that the background card is the cover for his following studio album Diamonds On The Inside. I am uncertain of the origin of the version I have posted, but would love to find out if anyone knows.) 

"Alone" is a lament, a lament for one's self. It is a desparate cry for help from a man  far gone. The ciclical triplet based time and minor chord progression give one a feel of spiralling down and away. I believe that this demo version fits the material of the song much better than the album version. It's one guy and a guitar. His voice is soft, almost a whisper, and even the tape hiss connotates a guy by himself in a room with a cassette deck. The album version hides so much of what the song is all about. For instance, the instrumentation is so thick that the wailing at the beginning is barely audible, and the polyrhytmic drumbeat pulls away from that spiralling feeling. Besides, it's pretty hard to claim to be alone when you're surrounded by three other dudes.   

"This empty room it fils my mind." Already we are confronted with a staggering reality. It's not just that our protaganist is obsessing over his separation. He views his mind, and himself, as empty as the room he is in. "Freedom, it leaves me confined." The emptiness leaves him with no guide. When one can do anything, where does one start? Our protaganist is so unsure that he is crushed by possibility. "Every single bone has cracked, but in this life you can't turn back." There is no support left. I cannot stand on my own, and there is no way to endure or return. "I don't want to live. I don't want to live here alone." I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know how to get there, and I'll never survive on my own.

We continue,  "As these words part with my tounge I question why they're even sung." Our protaganist can no longer determine their reason for doing things. There is no purpose in any action anymore. "I promise but I lie, I don't even know myself inside." No purpose, no goal, no drive, these things make it extremely hard to have a sense of self, which in turn makes it extremely hard to have purpose, goal, and drive. I used to be a person. I used to have these things. What happened?

A slight lyrical change in the chorus to "I don't want to be here alone" brings us to the final verse. "Today and tommorrow have become one." There is unforseen weight in this lyric. It does not imply that the days are strung together and timeless. It implies that tommorrow is going to be just like today, that nothing ever changes, and that attempts to make things better are futile. It's a projection of nothing but emptiness and lonliness to come. "Human nature is a beast, what I've done the most to show I have the least." The quest to be meek has gone to the extreme. To reduce ego, to reject acknowledgement of accomplishment, to appear empty has given way for the need to be empty. Overall this leaves him without the equipment to climb out of the hole by himself.

The final chorus then gets angry. "Please don't leave me here. Don't you leave me alone." It's more of a desparate begging than any kind of demand. The song abruptly ends after that, and we are left to wonder if our protaganist ever made it, or if he's still alone.

As always feel free to comment or leave suggestions either on this blog or at suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net. Make sure you come back November first for the biggest undertaking this blog has ever undertaken. Faithfull readers, you will not be disappointed.     

Am I Ever Gonna Change?

Ah, a waltz down memory lane. The year is 1993. I am 12 years old. I've been an active listener of music for maybe a year or so at this point, probably less. I am enthralled by rock radio. For a hot minute there is a hit by a band I've never heard of, that bends my ear every time it comes on the air. It's got a violin solo for the intro followed by a big thick rock guitar. I would have immediately noticed the Jimi Hendrix influence, if it weren't for the fact that I didn't start listening to Hendrix for another year and a half or so. The song was "Rest In Peace" of course, by the band Extreme.

I'm not sure where or when I got the album. It was either a birthday or christmas present, as I didn't yet have an allowance with which to buy things. It is titled III Sides To Every Story, and it is broken down into three sections: 'Yours', 'Mine', and 'The Truth'. I absolutely love this album. It is a concept album at the time that I needed a concept album, before I even knew what a concept album was. 'Yours' is a section of heavier songs. Extreme, a band that describes their sound as "Funky Metal", is one of those bands that got known for something that they really weren't. Their big hit was the song "More Than Words," a cheesy rock ballad from the album previous to this one. The song was a double edged sword for the band because it made them popular, but misrepresented them at the same time. It's very hard to sell this album when you mention it to people and their reaction is "You mean that band that did 'More Than Words?'" I'd put money on at least one reader having that reaction right now.

The next section, 'Mine', is a section of those acoustic rock, kind of ballady songs. There are some love songs, and some introspective tunes. If one looks at 'Yours' as being an angry young man shouting at all the injustice he sees, 'Mine' is where he turns introspective and looks at himself and his interpersonal relationships. 'The Truth' is the real payoff of this album. It is the culmination and is a three movement suite called Everything Under The Sun. When I first got this album this final section was my least favorite. I didn't care much for 'Mine' either. I was a kid, into loud guitars. For a time, as I got older, I grew to like the 'Mine' section the best. Now, as a weathered music listener, I like 'The Truth' the best. I love the intertwining ideas, melodic fragments that come together and split apart, reharmonize, and hit one from out of nowhere. The center piece of Everything Under The Sun, "Am I Ever Gonna Change" is an epic and tumultuous look into the the protagonist's turbulent inner workings.

"Am I Ever Gonna Change" by Extreme from III Sides To Every Story


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCv3h34K2kw

The song fades in with a driving beat and a clean echoed guitar. It's a very ordinary, average feel. Everything is ok, we're maintaining, we're getting by ok. But, "I'm tired of being me, and I don't like what I see." Like that second voice in one's head always does, it answers. "I'm not who I appear to be." Continuing is our protagonist's first voice "So I start off every day down on my knees. I will pray for a change in any way, but as the days go by I live through another lie, if it's any wonder why."

Suddenly the song changes. It is instantly darker, heavier both in tone and in content. "AM I EVER GONNA CHANGE? IF SAY ONE THING AND I DO THE OTHER IT'S THE SAME OLD SONG THAT GOES ON FOREVER." There is space between the phrases. Not just in the vocals, but within the rest of the band as well. There is space to let such big questions and bold statements resonate. The song continues in an interlude depicting these ideas wrestling in the mind and then comes back with more of the same questions. There has been no easy resolve of this question. "AM I EVER GONNA CHANGE? WILL I ALWAYS STAY THE SAME? IF I SAY ONE THING AND I DO THE OTHER, SAME OLD SONG THAT GOES ON FOREVER." Pause for a moment and really listen to the vocal harmonies in here. They're such a tense chord sitting in the mix the way they do. This band had tremendous vocal power. "AM I EVER GONNA CHANGE? WELL I'M THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME. IF I THINK I'M RIGHT, I END UP WRONG. IT'S A FUTILE FIGHT THAT'S GONE ON TOO LONG.

We transition out of this dark period and back into the lighter section as we start to grab for answers to this issue. "Please tell me if it's true. Am I too old to start anew? 'Cause that's what I want to do. But time and time again, when I think I can I fall short in the end. So why do I even try? Will it matter when I die? Can anyone hear my cry?"  With this lyric we are plunged back into the darkness. The chorus repeats as it was before. From here we enter another interlude and then a bridge to the song in which we hear a priest speaking in Latin. I read once that he is reading 'The Sermon On The Mount," but I am unable to confirm. (If someone can I would love to know.) This would make sense because the album is laden with religious imagery. Continuing on, we pull into some guitar licks that seem to be battling against the rhythm guitar, and from there into the final chorus with some changes. Notably; "IF I THINK I'M RIGHT I WIND UP WRONG. IT'S A FUCKING FIGHT THAT'S GONE ON TOO LONG." "AM I EVER GONNA CHANGE? I TAKE IT DAY BY DAY. MY WILL IS WEAK AND MY FLESH IS STRONG. PEACE I SEEK 'TILL THY KINGDOM COME."

In exit the song breaks down to the light section and fades into the final piece of Everything Under The Sun, "Who Cares?" That's an apt sentiment. One could interpret the entire album not as a situation as that story with three sides, but as a person. Yours mine and the truth are all facets of a single person. The album climaxes with the person's struggle to find the truth, to know that they are wrong and want to change. Do they make it? Maybe, Maybe not, but tell me "Who Cares?" It doesn't matter if you've changed or not. It doesn't matter if you make a difference. It doesn't matter what you do. Nobody cares.

I urge you all to check this album out. If you are interested in listening to the other sections of Everything Under The Sun here are the links to the first and third parts

"Rise and Shine" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhlcFJynCvY

"Who Cares?" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXOpLiQrAgE

Please feel free to comment, and/or leave suggestions, below, or email me at suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net

Wise Up

We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us.

"Wise Up" by Aimee Mann from Music from the motion picture Magnolia 



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTI8ZiopycQ

That is the theme from the movie Magnolia, that we may be through with the past, but the past is not through with us. If you have not seen this movie you need to. It is one of my favorite movies. The soundtrack includes nine songs from singer/songwriter Aimee Mann. One of them, "Save Me" was nominated for the Acadamy Award for Best Original Song, only to lose to the Phil Collins song "You'll Be In My Heart" from Tarzan. (Also nominated that year was "Blame Canada" from South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.)

Director Paul Thomas Anderson is known to have been listening to Aimee Mann's music a lot during the writng of the script for Magnolia and even borrowing character ideas and lyrics as lines of dialouge.He also made it a point to integrate the music with the movie. The video posted above is not the music video for the song, well I guess it is, but it also takes place in the movie. Magnolia is pretty overtly split up into three acts, with this song as the closer to the second act. As you can tell, the characters of the ensemble cast are out of sorts just before the third act happens and all hell breaks loose.

The lyrics start out "It's not what you thought when you first began it." The easy interperetation is that "it" is life, but I think the smarter interperetation is 'situation as life.' By this I mean that none of us have any real expectations for life until we have something to lose, or gain. By playing the pronoun game Mann draws us into the song because we automatically transfer our situation onto the the character of the song. This is a case where when the singer says "you" she truly means the listener.

"You got what you want, but you can hardly stand it." Ain't that the rub. Things, outside influences, accomplishments, wants, needs, none of it makes one happier.  "But now you know it's not going to stop. No it's not going to stop until you wise up." A friend of mine is fond of saying that the definition of insanity is doing something the same way multiple times and expecting different results. We run the same behavior patterns over and over again and expect ing us deeper and to be happy, but "it" keeps piling ontop of us, buriying us deeper and deeper, but it's not going to stop.

"You're sure there's a cure," The real solution is always the hardest path. We search so hard to find any way we can to fix the problem, mask the problem, ignore the problem. The problemis ourselves. "You think one drink will sshrink you'till you're underground and living down." Shrink ourselves until we are hidden. Hide the problem, "but it's not gong to stop till you wise up."

After two Verse/Chorus combinations we come to a short bridge that transistions seemlessly into the final chorus. The bridge is an acknowledgement that the path ahead is rough. "Prepare a list of what you need before you sign away the deed, 'cause it's not going to stop 'til you wise up."

Finally we are left with the most important line of the song. Often I write of songs that leave the protaganist lost and wandering, with no solution and their problems ever worsening. This song however gives you the answer. "It's not going to stop, so just give up." It's as simple as that. It's not going to stop, so maybe you should. Just give up. It's pointless. Why play the game if you can't win. Give up. Leave the show. Why not, it's not like it's going to stop.

As always I encourage comments, criticisms, and suggestions either here, or at suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net

Guess I'll Forget You

In 1997 The Black Heart Procession was forged in the San Diego music scene. This was the same collection of musicians that produced bands such as Pinback and Three Mile Pilot. The band put out their sixth full length album, aptly titled Six in late 2009. Today we look at "Guess I'll Forget You" from their 2000 release Three

"Guess I'll Forget You" by The Black Heart Procession from Three



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfGxHgysvfg

I first heard The Black Heart Procession two years ago on Christmas Eve. Some friends were over unwinding from the hectic day with their families. I had Pandora Radio running some random channel in the background and eventually it was time to switch stations. A good friend of mine took matters into his own hands and put on The Black Heart Procession. From that moment on I was hooked. The band immediately became one of my favorites.

I have wanted to do a Black Heart Procession song for as long as I have written this blog. I think their music as a whole speaks very well to the subject material of Suicide Watch Songs, and that is why it has been so hard to pick. I've spent a long time listening to the majority of their catalog, analyzing lyrics, hemming, and hawing about which song to pick. "Guess I'll Forget You" stood out as an early front-runner, and throughout the selection process it became the measuring stick to which I was holding up other songs. I knew it was worthy, but I couldn't figure out why it made a good Suicide Watch Song. Then it hit me, very similarly to the way Sparklehorse's "It's A Wonderful Life" hit me.

When I pick a song for SWS, I attempt to look for songs that are based on the individual. I don't like to go for songs where the depression is based on an event, or due to another person. I especially try to avoid songs of heartbreak. While certainly heartbreak can and does often throw one into depression, the depth of depression that I like to explore is inherent on a personal level. It is the metaphorical powder keg that needs an event to catalyst it's explosion. In other words, I want to explore the tragic, flawed psyche, not the damaged, working through it psyche. We could also refer to this as the 'No "I Want To Know What Love Is" Rule.'

Then why "Guess I'll Forget You?" It is quite obviously about split relations. Am I not breaking my own rule? No, listen to the protagonist. He's so meek and withdrawn. There is no fight left. He doesn't believe he can get his relationship back because he doesn't believe that he is lovable. The split was inevitable. He doesn't cry out. He doesn't fight back. There is no 'come back,' no 'I can change,' just 'I'm going to step aside now. I'll try and forget you.'

The first lyric is "Now you know there's no light on the way," Our character feels as though the truth has been found out about him. His darker insides have been revealed. He's saying 'Now you can see the real me, and that there is nothing to the real me. I am hollow. I am shallow. I will hurt you, and this is for the best.' The next verse begins with a similar lyric, but deepens the metaphor, "Now they say there's no light in the caves. We all know that there's no way out." The depths are too big. Even if you wanted me to climb out. Even if you were to offer your help, there is no way out of this. I am too far gone. I will drag you down with me.

Lyrically the bridge consists of one short line "but before I go I must say that in my heart you'll always be found, always." Our protagonist will forever be burdened with this memories. He will never forget no matter how much he tries.

The Black Heart Procession are masters at building incredible soundscapes. Their music tends to move at a slow dirge, and it is drenched in just the right amount of reverb and echo to make you feel like you're nowhere. Am I in a cave? No, am I in a cathedral? No, I'm just kind of nowhere, being enveloped by this sound. Their tone production makes me feel like I'm watching TV with Vaseline on the screen. When something onscreen is prominent it comes to the front of the shot. One can make out what the image is supposed to be, yet the edges are still fuzzy. The background remains vague, but present. "Guess I'll Forget You" is a perfect example of this. Listen to the way the guitar and organ interplay with the melody. The fading echos of the backbeat trail off, getting quieter and eventually fade like a memory into nothing. The soundscape is vast, but so sparse. It's big sky country; it's impressive because its so full of nothing, well, things so big they seem like nothing.

The saddest part is that the protagonist is causing this. There is never a mention of I'm sorry. There's never a movement towards reconciliation. It's self sabotage. There is no reason that things have to end, but our character decides that leaving, and forgetting, something he admits he'll never be able to do, is the best solution.

As always feel free to comment here, or email me at suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net

The Final Cut

I first was told about Pink Floyd's The Final Cut when I was in high school. It came recommended by a young, cool, inspirational teacher whom, needless to say, I respected a lot. I kept my eye out for the album when at record stores and whatnot, but never saw a copy. It turns out that The Final Cut was pretty rare in America. None of the songs ended up becoming rock radio mainstays, most likely due to the subject matter, which we will dive into later. Back in 1997/8 the internet was just starting to expand. This was pre-itunes and pre-napster.

We take rare albums for granted in the information age. Essentially we have created a system where there are no truly "rare" recordings. File sharing and digital downloads means that there is no cost in production. It can be reproduced for free, and thus if an album is rare it is not due to a lack of copies, but because it is unpopular. It's a very democratic way to run a library.

A few years later, in a time where I may have been able to find a copy of The Final Cut online, the album had fallen off of my radar. It was a great surprise to me when I was pawing through a local vinyl records shop to come across an excellent condition copy of the album.

Back in the late 90's when I first head about the album it was described to me as songs from the Pink Floyd album The Wall that didn't make it onto the album. This is partially true. The Final Cut has a very similar sound to The Wall, and a lot of the themes are reused and reworked, and it really has a similar feel to The Wall. It turns out that originally the material on The Final Cut was going to be a soundtrack to the movie "The Wall". At one point it was going to be known as "Spare Bricks". But back in 1982, smack dab in the middle of production, Great Britain invaded the Falkland Islands, and Roger Waters decided to change the theme to postwar Britain, the economic downturn, and heading back into war. Those of you who spent their teens listening to The Wall with headphones on the bus ride home like I did will recall that The Wall was all about Roger Waters losing his father in World War II and how it caused him to wall himself up on the inside.

Other members of the band, David Gilmour in particular, were not happy about the change of theme of The Final Cut. Tensions rose and they started working separately to finish the album. The album came out officially titled The Final Cut, A Requiem For The Postwar Dream, Written by Roger Waters, Performed by Pink Floyd. Soon after the album was released, Waters announced that he had left the band.

Now that you have a good amount of back story and useless information, we are going to take a look at the title track,

"The Final Cut" written by Roger Waters, performed by Pink Floyd, from The Final Cut



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnnA_HJ_i30&


Note: This video is the second part of a 4 song video project that Pink Floyd put out tied to this album. Here are the other parts

Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3PIG6XXIdw
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpL6EWpM6oo
Part 4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Dpyjvo3XWk

"The Final Cut" is a first person narrative of a man in the deepest pits of depression desperately attempting to claw his way out. It starts as a solo vocal with piano accompaniment. "Through the fish-eyed lens of tear stained eyes I can barely define the shape of this moment in time, and far from flying high in clear blue skies, I'm spiraling down to the hole in the ground where I hide." In this couplet, Waters has written an amazingly vivid, yet beautifully simple description of the plunge. I certainly have not heard a more eloquent representation of the subject matter on which I write.

As the orchestration thickens with guitar, drums, and strings, our narrator goes on to explain his internal guards. "If you negotiate the minefield in the drive and beat the dogs and cheat the cold electronic eyes, and if you make it past the shotguns in the hall, dial the combination, open the priesthole, and if I'm in I'll tell you *BLAM*" We didn't make it past the shotguns, but the lyrics included with the record finish the lyric "what's behind the wall."

As the strings start playing the same arpeggiated pattern from "Comfortably Numb" we get a view on how our narrator feels trapped somewhere inbetween childhood and manhood. "There's a kid who had a big hallucination making love to girls in magazines. He wonders if you're sleeping with your new found faith. Could anybody love him, or is it just a crazy dream?" Roger Waters always had trouble recording vocals. This comes as no surprise if you've listened to any songs on which he sings. He has a fragility to his voice, a lack of confidence. It is the kind of thing that works really well with songs dealing with internal struggle. Water's voice is perfect for the songs on which he sings and works extremely well here. He really opens up on this last lyric and his voice cracks in just the perfect way. He really lets you know that the character thinks it is crazy that someone would ever love him.

At this point we cut out to a minimal organ/string accompaniment to Waters frail vocals. "And if I show you my dark side," (There is no dark side in the moon really, matter of fact it's all dark,) "will you still hold me tonight? And if I open my heart to you and show you my weak side what would you do?" Just then the band kicks back in and an air of anger and accusation comes into Waters voice. "Would you sell your story to Rolling Stone? Would you take the children away and leave me alone, and smile in reassurance as you whisper down the phone?" The band drops out for the first half of this lyric before kicking back in for the song's climax as we get to the real crux of the matter. "Would you send me packing," and with that beautiful crack in Waters voice once more, "or would you take me home?"

David Gilmour comes in with a short but sweet guitar solo that is also reminiscent of "Comfortably Numb"

Waters comes in furiously with "Thought I oughta bare my naked feelings. Thought I oughta tear the curtain down. I held the blade in trembling hands, prepared to make it but... " The bottom falls out, and ...

" ...just then the phone rang. I never had the nerve to make the final cut." And it doesn't work out. It's a catch-22. It's too painful to change so instead I'll cause myself more pain. the song recedes into nothingness. It fades like the character, walled up deeper and deeper until they can no longer be seen.

As always, feel free to comment or suggest a song either here or at suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net

Please Tell My Brother

Jeff Tweedy is currently one of the most prominent American songwriters. Tweedy fronts the group Wilco, which has seven studio albums to date, comprising of 90% or more Tweedy written songs. Before Wilco, he was in the band Uncle Tupelo, one of the most influential bands in the 'Alt-Country' or 'Americana' or whatever you want to call the genre to which it was influential. Tweedy also has been in and is involved in multiple other groups like 'Loose Fur,' and 'Golden Smog.' In between doing all the work with Wilco and these other groups he still finds time to go out and play full solo tours. Needless to say, the man is prolific. There is no doubt in my mind that within twenty years Jeff Tweedy will be commonly mentioned in the same breath as Seeger, Dylan, and Springsteen. He will have a spot in the canon of American songwriters. Today we are going to take a look at one of my favorites from Jeff Tweedy's solo repertoire, "Please Tell My Brother"

"Please Tell My Brother" by Jeff Tweedy



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSOUrws_ZQ4


"But wait!," you say, "This is a Golden Smog tune. It's on 1998's Weird Tales." You are correct, and here's a link to it: http://vimeo.com/3466571. I chose the live version because it is how I was introduced to the song. I knew this song before I knew that Golden Smog was a band. Also, if you listen to the Golden Smog version, well, it's just Jeff Tweedy and an acoustic guitar, so it's really solo Tweedy anyway.

I wanted to give a view into what a Jeff Tweedy solo show is like. Last time I talked about the intimacy that Sam Beam projects through his music. It is a very personal, one on one kind of intimacy. Tweedy shows have a whole different kind of intimacy happening. He is active with the crowd. This is evident at the beginning of the video where you hear him respond "ok" to a member of the crowd and everyone laughs. He creates an air of close knit community and makes one feel like they belong there with everyone else. Tweedy turns concert halls into bonfires.

Our tale begins "Please tell my brothers I love them still over the mountains on their phone bill. I should call more often, but I know I never will. Please tell my brothers I love them still." Our protagonist is far from home. He is over a mountain away, and whether it is physical or metaphorical, it still represents a nearly insurmountable distance.

We continue "Please tell my sister I miss her too, my nieces and nephews and their swimming pools. When I think about her, her skies are blue. Please tell my sister I miss her too." Our narrator is separated from more than just his brothers. He is separated from his entire family. Where is he? What is he running from? As listeners we know that he has separated himself because of the line "I should call more often, but they know I never will." It is up to him to call home, but he can't for some reason. Something from his past is haunting him.

"Please tell my father I love him still. Head for the cooler and drink your fill. Forget the railroad and all those bills. Please tell my father I love him still." Dad, it's ok. Forget your troubles. Forget what happened. Grab a beer, relax. More than anything I wish I was there having one with you, but I just can't.

Now, at the end of the song, we finally get to hear to whom our protagonist is talking; to whom he is asking to check in on his family. "Listen dear mother I miss you the most, and as I travel from coast to coast I feel your love and I feel your ghost. Listen dear mother I miss you the most." Our protagonist is haunted by his mother's ghost. For some unexplained reason he feels guilty and has removed himself from his family and can not go back, at least not yet, not until he himself can come to terms with whatever happened.

There are so many Tweedy penned songs to choose from, why choose this one? There is no lack of sadness and turmoil in his repertoire, so why pick something so simple and benign by comparison? In a word: Lonesome. This is one of the most lonesome and alienated songs I have ever heard. The character is so separate and lonely. He wants nothing but to be with his family, but he can't. The part that hurts is that his absence is self imposed,

and he knows it.

As always feel free to comment or suggest songs here or send me an email at suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net

The Trapeze Swinger

Like most great artists, Samuel Beam has many talents. He has degrees in fine art and film, and taught cinematography and film at a college level. He took the name "Iron & Wine" from a dietary supplement, "Beef Iron & Wine," which he found at a store while on a film shoot, and it should be noted that he has directed most of his own music videos. His first album was released on Sub Pop in 2002, the result of a borrowed four track and the right ears hearing the material. If you've heard Iron & Wine then you know the next thing I have to say is inherent. If you've not heard Iron & Wine before you will discover an amazing and magical intimacy. No matter the volume, every Iron & Wine song sounds like it is whispered into your ear. It's like you can feel his breath on the side of your face. There are no casual Iron & Wine fans, and the people who are not fans yet simply haven't heard the song that Beam wrote for them.

"The Trapeze Swinger" by Iron & Wine from  Around The Well


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnGXduu293c

Note: This song is available most readily on Iron & Wine's 2009 B-Side and Rarity collection Around The Well, but was recorded for the motion picture and is featured on the soundtrack for In Good Company.

From a musical standpoint "The Trapeze Swinger" is incredibly simple, being four chords with a slight variation being repeated for the entire song. It is a stylistic quality of Iron & Wine that he is able to take a sparse musical landscape and make sound thick and vast.

From a lyrical standpoint this is a story song sung from a person who has passed on to someone he has left behind. The story is told in a nonlinear path, leaving lots to be filled in by the listener. Besides his timbre, this is a way for Beam to make this song more intimate. It feels more personal because the details need to be filled in by the memories and imaginations of the listener. Each verse of "The Trapeze Swinger" starts out with "Please Remember Me ...," an adverb, and then a memory or a story.

The first verse rolls out "Please, remember me, Happily, with bruises on my chin; The time when we counted every black car passing your house beneath the hill and up until someone caught us in the kitchen with maps, a mountain range, a piggy bank ..." It takes us back to the protagonist's childhood, adventuring with the other character from the song, person this song is directed at, the subject of the song. We instantly know that this is dealing with a long and deep friendship. The singer is not only asking to be remembered as a happy child, but reminding the listener of a happy time in their lives, and telling the listener that he himself was happy during the time they both shared.

The next verse goes on, "Please, remember me, Fondly, I heard from someone you're still pretty," Our protagonist is asking newcomers about the people in his past. Specifically his concerns lie with the subject of the song. This person is maybe more important to the protagonist than we had originally thought. "and he went on to say that the pearly gates had some eloquent graffiti like 'We'll meet again,' and 'Fuck the man,' and 'Tell my mother not to worry,' and angels with their gray handshakes were always done in such a hurry.' What beautiful imagery that the pearly gates are covered in the graffiti of wayward souls giving messages to passers by, that heaven is a gated community in the rough part of town, that to angels the souls of men don't really matter. This certainly also raises the question where is our protagonist that the pearly gates and the behavior of angels are foreign to him? Is he in hell? Is he in limbo? What situation is he in that he has met others that have seen the gates, but they also are not in heaven? What does it take to reach those gates?

"and please, remember me At Halloween making fools of all the neighbors, our faces painted white." Another childhood memory, a little older here. The two are growing up with each other, partners in crime. "By midnight we'd forgotten one another and when morning came I was ashamed..." Growing, up, out, forward, apart is hard. It requires the development of all sorts of feelings that didn't exist before. Friendships take on all sorts of new dynamics. Trust starts to mean something different than that your parents will love you no matter what you do. Slight mistakes and big decisions feel the same and opposite from moment to moment. "Only now it seems so silly that the season left the world and then returned," He's not talking about autumn. He might be talking about the fall. "And now you're lit up by the city."

"So please, remember me, Mistakenly, in the window of the tallest tower. Call, then pass us by..." Don't block out those memory triggers. Let something insignificant remind you of me just for a moment, and then continue on, "but much to high to see the empty road at happy hour gleam and resonate, just like the gates around the holy kingdom with words like 'Lost and found,' and 'Don't look down,' and 'Someone save temptation.'"

"and please, remember me, as in the dream we had as rug burned babies among the fallen trees and fast asleep." Remember our plans, you and I, one day we'll run away to the circus, leave everything but each other for a life of fun and adventure. "Aside the lions and the ladies that called you what you like and even might give a gift for your behavior, a fleeting chance to see a trapeze swing as high as any savior"

"but please, remember me, my misery, and how it lost me all I wanted." Our protagonist realizes that anything he wanted he sabotaged. How easy that is to do, and how impossible it is to change. What a horrible existence some of us love to lead. "Those dogs that love the rain and chasing trains," content with unhappiness, chasing the inevitable lose. "The colored birds above there running in circles around the well, and where it spells on the wall behind St. Peter's so bright with cinder gray and spray paint 'Who the hell can see forever?'" So much anger and regret. Who the hell can see forever!? Nothing turns out the way we planned.

"and please, remember me, seldomly in the car behind the carnival..." Here at the apex we find that they made it to the carnival. "My hand between your knees. You turned from me and said 'The trapeze act was wonderful but never meant to last." No one wants this inevitable moment to happen, the moment your paths diverge. Please remember it, because it is important, but don't hold on it. It was wonderful, but it was never meant to last so remember me the way you want to remember me. Remember what you meant to me. Remember that once I meant something to you. "The clowns that passed saw me just come up with anger. When it filled with circus dogs, the parking lot had an element of danger."

"So please, remember me, finally," as a closing thought, "and all my uphill clawing my dear." I just wanted you to know that "... if i make the pearly gates I'll do my best to make a drawing of God and Lucifer, a boy and a girl, an angel kissin' on a sinner, a monkey and a man, a marching band all around the frightened trapeze swingers." I don't belong in heaven. Hell, I haven't seen the gates with my own two eyes. I just know what others have told me, but I'm going to do my damnedest to get there, and it will be an uphill battle. It will take everything I've got, but know that if I make those gates I'm not there for myself. Like I said, I don't belong there. No, if I make it to heaven I will do my best to draw a picture letting everyone that crosses those gates knows how important you are.

"The Trapeze Swinger" is the first song that I've found since I've started Suicide Watch Songs that came out of nowhere. Every other song I've done was somewhat on my radar. Coming up to this post I was trying to decide which song to write about and I started to look into Iron & Wine. I've been a fan for a while but as I started looking through my collection two things kept me from picking a song. One deals with an informal rule I've imposed on myself that I will only write about any particular songwriter or group once a year. I do this so that I don't repeat myself or stick within my musical comfort zone. The goal is to branch out as much as possible. This makes me also think that I need to take in as much of that artists catalog as possible so that I can be assured that I am making the correct choice to write about. I would hate to write a review only to discover the song I should have written about a month later. Doing this with Iron & Wine was not easy as he has a lot of rare tracks. Luckily, this song has become a fan favorite and thus shows up a lot when searching his songs. The other thing that was giving me trouble is that for as intimate as somber sounding as Sam Beam is at times, for the most part his music is quite hopeful and has wondering curiosity of life and creation all about it. That is why this song just slapped me upside the head and turned my world around. At the beginning of this review I mentioned that Iron & Wine has written a song for everyone. "The Trapeze Swinger" is mine. I hope it is some of your's as well.

Thanks as always for taking the time to read. If you have anything to say or wish to suggest songs please feel free to do so here or email me at suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net

Sour Milk

Preston Lovingwood from Wild Sweet Orange came up to me the other day and said "I had a dream last night that you used "Sour Milk" on Suicide Watch Songs," to which I replied "Hey Preston, let's make that a reality."

"Sour Milk" by Wild Sweet Orange from We Have Reason To Be Uneasy



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETSm8mKx2Xc

Link To Studio Version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYbNNs-ggSw&feature=related

Wild Sweet Orange are in an indie-conundrum. They are caught somewhere between "indie," wherein a band is well known and popular among those in the know, label supported and touring behind a slick produced album in a new Dodge Sprinter van, and an indie band, wherein the band is kinda known with a few diehard fans, but most people are there to see the other bands on the show, they've put out their own album, most likely recorded in a decent basement studio, possibly with it's own handmade packaging, and getting from gig to gig in uncle Ray's old Econoline 150. In other words, somewhere between radio indie and file sharing indie. Wild Sweet Orange has the slick recording, good looking merch, and the tight tonal landscape of a major label indie band, but none of the clout, at least not around here. For the record, I have no clue what the band uses to get from gig to gig.

What we've got here is a band that is aiming high, and with good reason. One has to play the part they want and they are doing so, the only issue is if they can hang on through the rough times long enough to make it there. I was introduced to the band the way that I'm sure many were, from a friend. They have one album to date, We Have Cause To Be Uneasy, which I promptly stole, and then validated by buying a copy when the band came through town. While the whole album is great, the fifth track "Sour Milk" jumped right out at me and has stuck with me.

Note that there are two links at the top of the page, one to the posted video and one to the album cut. I really like the solo acoustic version and wanted to share it and that is why it is the primary video. However, if you like the song you should check out the studio version as well. There are many attributes that are added in the full band version. For instance, the pump organ at the beginning was captured really well. You can hear the reeds clearly. The background vocal at the end of the song is truly amazing as well.

"I'll take the road less traveled by, that's what my father always said. Now he works in an office with a whore in his bed." This sets the theme of the song right away. Arriving at adulthood is a daunting task. Understanding that your own father is fallible is one of the hardest realizations to which I have come. Our teachers are hypocrites. On some level they must be, that is part of the goal of all good people to leave the world better than you found it. 'Son, do what I say and not what I do' is akin to 'Son, be a better person than me.'

"My mother sleeps alone at night dreamin' of all her regret inside. I want to tell her that I love her. Oh and if I could, I would have given her so much better," I do not interpret this line not as I gave my all and I wish I had more to give. Instead I interpret it as if I had another chance, I would have been a better son. "'cause don't you tell me that that man is my father." I am better than that. I am not that man's son, and I wish I could go back and prove it. "Oh just some hooded conceiver, who tried really really hard to please her." Here some uncertainty is introduced. Our protagonist is not happy with the man his father is, but at least he acknowledges that he tried. This puts doubt on the whole situation. We're led to believe that it's the father who left, but really isn't it usually the man who has to leave in a relationship, at least from the child's view? Don't most children live with their mothers after a divorce? So maybe it wasn't Dad's doing. Maybe mom wanted to end it.

Too heavy, our protagonist must retreat. "So I'm returning to my gladness when I was only ten. Playing football in the front yard and sweating with my friends." Old memories are always great or horrible. Over time the ones that don't fade away dig in and become iconic in the back of the brain, and so mist people think of their childhood fondly or with disdain. For our protaganist, his childhood is a distant, perfect time, to be chased but never achieved again. "I remember when I was thirteen. It was October something. I was standing on the front lawn listening. That was the first time I heard you calling, as the sun was cooling down." Who was calling? What was calling?

"and the Mom's were about to drive their kids around, and they say 'Blah blah blah blah.' And they say 'Blah blah blah. They give us truth decieving. I don't think that's truth at all." The 'blah's' repeat and then "They give us love that's leaving. I don't think that's love at all." Harsh, hopeless. Was it the 'blah's' that were calling, deceiving and leaving the single glimmer of hope in this song?

We continue: "Oh and the steeple people, oh they're so happy not knowing you. So boldly do they pervert your truth." Is it higher power? Is it self awareness? Is it the protagonist himself calling? The next couplet certainly sets up an 'us and them' scenario. "Oh did they think we wouldn't grow up? Did they think we wouldn't throw back up the sour milk they've been pouring down our throats?"

We are angry. We are ready to question with real reasons behind our ideals. We are ready to have a voice! "Oh and they have raised one pissed off generation with kids that have to start taking care of them. Like hey mom! Get to work on time, and hey Dad! Would you come home to night? And the both of you stop drinking so much wine."

... "and they say 'Blah blah blah blah"

hopeless. no one listens. no one cares. there is no reason to.


As always feel free to comment or give suggestions for songs here or at
suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net

Bankrupt On Selling

Modest Mouse is an old band. Most of you reading this blog will already know about the differences between newer and older Modest Mouse, but for those of you that don't we're going to take a trip back to their masterpiece The Lonesome Crowded West, with "Bankrupt On Selling"

"Bankrupt On Selling" by Modest Mouse from The Lonesome Crowded West



 I remember first hearing Modest Mouse circa '99 or 2000, at the end of or just after my stay in high school, which was already pretty far along in the band's career. It was a surprise to me a few years later, in 2004, when "Float On" became a huge hit. Truthfully, the band had fallen completely off my radar. I remember specifically in my experience as a private music instructor when a student came in to learn a song by this "great new band Modest Mouse." Ha, new!

This truly heralded in a new era for Modest Mouse. They had traversed the gap between independent band and indie band. At the same time, there was a fundamental change in the mood of their music. Modest Mouse is certainly known for being a dark band. After deciding that I wanted to cover a Modest Mouse tune, it took me quite a while to settle on this one due to the vast amount of depressing material. I don't think I have to go farther than the album titles to illustrate this. Titles like The Lonesome Crowded West, This Is A Long Drive For Someone With Nothing To Think About, and Building Nothing Out Of Something delve deeply into the helplessness of life the music conveys. From Good News For People That Love Bad News (the album that featured "Float On") on, Modest Mouse changed their view on life. From this point on the music is hopeful instead of hopeless. One needs but look to the first lyric of "Float On," to see the change: "I backed my car into a cop car the other day, well he just drove off, sometimes life's ok."

"Bankrupt On Selling" feels just about as far away from "Float On" as can be. It is a texturally sparse recording with two guitars and a vocal. The recording itself sounds distant, or like it's in the background of a coffeehouse in a movie from the late nineties. The chord progression remains the same throughout the song with a circular feel that builds on it's lingering remains.

The vocals open with "Well all the apostles are sittin' in swings sayin' 'I'd sell off my savior for a set of new rings and some sandals with the style of straps that cling best to the era.'" Immediately we are faced with an absurd situation. How could an angel sell of their savior? And for what? Rings and sandals? Isn't this a human trait? Certainly a man must sell his soul to the devil for the ability to write amazingly beautiful yet utterly depressing, but an angel is not allowed to sell his savior. An angel isn't allowed to want material things. This paints all too human a light on angels; all too dark.

"So all of the businessers in their unlimited hell where they buy and they sell and they sell all their trash to each other, but they're sick of it all and they're bankrupt on selling." Businessers, businessmen, businesswomen, are all human. What creates this hell? Is it the situation of buying and selling? Wait, what is being bought and sold? Don't we all do this? Don't we all buy and sell trash to each other? Is it not hell? Do we not create this hell ourselves?

The subtlety of the comparison of man and angel, and heaven and hell is sly and couth. We return now to heaven: "And all of the angels, they'd sell off your soul for a new set of wings and anything gold." Wait, my soul? MY soul? Don't I have control over my soul? I mean I know that trading it for a doughnut is a bad idea, but it's my choice to do so, isn't it? And an angel could and would trade my intangible soul for wings and gold? It hurts to be traded like commodity. "They remember the people they loved, their old friends. And I've seen through them all, seen through them all, and seen through most everything." Their friends are just like they are. Fake and phony, and just like they are, but we've finally got to meet our protagonist, who has seen through them all.

He who has seen through them all is telling us a story, he is expounding on his belief. He continues "All the people you knew were the actors." Oh. He's not talking about angels, he's talking about the illusion of good people. He's not talking about heaven, he's talking about the ideal. He's not talking about hell, he's talking about cold hard reality. "All the people you knew were the actors." He's talking about man. He's talking about you and me.

"Well I'll go to college and I'll learn some big words and I'll talk real loud. Goddamn right I'll be heard. You'll remember the guy who said all those big words he must have learned in college." Our protagonist is an idealist. We are all idealists. We all want to make a change, we all want to be important. We all want to be remembered. He will fight to not be the kind of person he has described before.

We continue, "and it took a long time until I came clean with myself. I'd grown clean out of love with my lover. I still love her, loved her more when she used to be sober and I was kinder." Our protagonist did not reach his goals. Our protagonist is a hypocrite. Our protagonist is not always rational and is driven by desire. Our protagonist is us, and we are all the same.

Please comment or give suggestions here or email to suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net

Sue's Last Ride

"Sue's Last Ride" by Dirty Three from Horse Stories

  

More than a lot of years ago I was at a rehearsal with a local singer/songwriter that I have played drums for on and off throughout the years. At the end of the rehearsal, said singer/songwriter handed me a CD and said "Have you heard of these guys? You've got to check them out. The Rolling Stones rated them as the best band in the world." To clarify that last statement, yes he did mean the band. I'm not sure where he got that information from, but apparently the Rolling Stones meant it. I should also state that he mentioned that as more of a note on where he got hip to them and not in an ultra Rolling Stones fan check out my lips tattoo kind of way.

The album was Horse Stories which I liked quite a lot, and this song jumped out at me right away as my favorite from the album. Fast forward a few years and I get to see Dirty Three at the Magic Stick in Detroit. For those that do not know the venue, the Magic Stick is one of those 'just small enough to have a bar, but not an upstairs' kind of places. If a group sells out a Magic Stick size venue, their next move is to an old church turned venue, and then to an old theater, etc. This place was pretty packed, and rightfully so, as the last time they were in the United States was seven years prior, when the guy that turned me on to them saw them at a now defunct venue by the name of Griff's Grill, which was a step or two down from the Magic Stick level in the venue food chain.

That night at the Magic Stick, Dirty Three performed "Sue's Last Ride." Warren Ellis, the violinist of the group, gave a similar speech to the one in the video above, but implied a bit more detail to the story. Sue was a friend who had died in a car and was there for two weeks before anyone found her. Ellis implied, or at least I took it, that Sue's last ride was those two weeks, alone in that car with nothing to do but atone for her life.

The song starts slowly, quietly, like you're waking up. Senses come into play, in and out, eventually they begin to focus. And then slowly, a realization that you are unsure where you are. Then you realize, you're in the car, which is perplexing. Your heart races for a moment. You're not sure why you're in the car. You take a deep breath to steady yourself, and then you realize, you're dead.

And you panic, and you can't breath, and you're not sure if you're supposed to breath, but it feels like your drowning, and eventually you realize that you're not going to die, because you're dead.

And then time starts to pass, and you start to remember, and it's hard, because inevitably it all leads up to right now. Every moment of it leads to now. And of course that means that some of it you'd rather not deal with even though those are the things you need to deal with.

And it builds, and it builds. It's like your past is tormenting you. Bigger and faster and more intense. Everything is flowing through you now. And just when you think you can't take it anymore, someone finds the car, and opens the door, and finds you, inside. dead.

And you get out of the car, and head on your way.

I don't know if Sue committed suicide. I kind of don't think so. I get the vibe that she had an accident and that she was hard to find. I however had a friend that did commit suicide in a car, so from time to time I think of him in relation to this song. I'm not a spiritual man, I do not believe in an afterlife, but, if I'm wrong, I would like to believe that people do have to atone for their life in a visceral painful way. I hope that we all have to face the parts of ourselves that we bury deep inside and build walls around, and I hope that if there is an afterlife we all enter it through catharsis and new without all the baggage we carry around during life.

As always feel free to comment here or send an email to suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net