Sue's Last Ride

"Sue's Last Ride" by Dirty Three from Horse Stories

  

More than a lot of years ago I was at a rehearsal with a local singer/songwriter that I have played drums for on and off throughout the years. At the end of the rehearsal, said singer/songwriter handed me a CD and said "Have you heard of these guys? You've got to check them out. The Rolling Stones rated them as the best band in the world." To clarify that last statement, yes he did mean the band. I'm not sure where he got that information from, but apparently the Rolling Stones meant it. I should also state that he mentioned that as more of a note on where he got hip to them and not in an ultra Rolling Stones fan check out my lips tattoo kind of way.

The album was Horse Stories which I liked quite a lot, and this song jumped out at me right away as my favorite from the album. Fast forward a few years and I get to see Dirty Three at the Magic Stick in Detroit. For those that do not know the venue, the Magic Stick is one of those 'just small enough to have a bar, but not an upstairs' kind of places. If a group sells out a Magic Stick size venue, their next move is to an old church turned venue, and then to an old theater, etc. This place was pretty packed, and rightfully so, as the last time they were in the United States was seven years prior, when the guy that turned me on to them saw them at a now defunct venue by the name of Griff's Grill, which was a step or two down from the Magic Stick level in the venue food chain.

That night at the Magic Stick, Dirty Three performed "Sue's Last Ride." Warren Ellis, the violinist of the group, gave a similar speech to the one in the video above, but implied a bit more detail to the story. Sue was a friend who had died in a car and was there for two weeks before anyone found her. Ellis implied, or at least I took it, that Sue's last ride was those two weeks, alone in that car with nothing to do but atone for her life.

The song starts slowly, quietly, like you're waking up. Senses come into play, in and out, eventually they begin to focus. And then slowly, a realization that you are unsure where you are. Then you realize, you're in the car, which is perplexing. Your heart races for a moment. You're not sure why you're in the car. You take a deep breath to steady yourself, and then you realize, you're dead.

And you panic, and you can't breath, and you're not sure if you're supposed to breath, but it feels like your drowning, and eventually you realize that you're not going to die, because you're dead.

And then time starts to pass, and you start to remember, and it's hard, because inevitably it all leads up to right now. Every moment of it leads to now. And of course that means that some of it you'd rather not deal with even though those are the things you need to deal with.

And it builds, and it builds. It's like your past is tormenting you. Bigger and faster and more intense. Everything is flowing through you now. And just when you think you can't take it anymore, someone finds the car, and opens the door, and finds you, inside. dead.

And you get out of the car, and head on your way.

I don't know if Sue committed suicide. I kind of don't think so. I get the vibe that she had an accident and that she was hard to find. I however had a friend that did commit suicide in a car, so from time to time I think of him in relation to this song. I'm not a spiritual man, I do not believe in an afterlife, but, if I'm wrong, I would like to believe that people do have to atone for their life in a visceral painful way. I hope that we all have to face the parts of ourselves that we bury deep inside and build walls around, and I hope that if there is an afterlife we all enter it through catharsis and new without all the baggage we carry around during life.

As always feel free to comment here or send an email to suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net

No Children

Today we visit a 6/8 Irish ballad style song that paints a picture so filled with hate and so void of hope that the world the song creates collapses in on itself. For Dom, this is No Children by The Mountain Goats.

"No Children" by The Mountain Goats from Tallahassee



Note: There is no official video for this song. This is easily the best and most closely related fan video I've found by far.


"I hope our few remaining friends give up on trying to save us." - I already have

"I hope we come out with a failsafe plot to piss off the dumb few that forgave us" - How stupid are they?

"I hope the fences we mended fall down beneath their own weight" - Let's tear it all down.

"and I hope we hang on past the last exit. I hope it's already too late." - Full on 'till morning.

"And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here someday burns down," - I hope it all burns down.

"and I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away and I never come back to this town again." - because I am done with this life.


"In my life I hope I lie and tell everyone you were a good wife." - because I am a better person than you.

"And I hope you die" - I hate you.
"I hope we both die" - You have ruined me.



"I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow. I hope it bleeds all day long." - It wouldn't matter. At least it's a different kind of pain.

"Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises, we're pretty sure they're all wrong." - They have no clue.

"I hope it stays dark forever. I hope the worst isn't over." - There is no point in anything ever getting better.

"and I hope you blink before I do." - 'cause Fuck you.

"and I hope I never get sober." - because then I'd have to deal with this.

"and I hope when you think of me years down the line you don't have one good thing to say." - Cause FUCK YOU and whatever the fuck YOU have to say about ME!

"and I'd hope that if I'd found the strength to walk out you'd stay the hell out of my way." - bet you wouldn't, cunt.

"I am drowning. There is no sign of land." - I've been swimming way too long.

"You are coming down with me. Hand in unlovable hand." - 'Till death ...

"And I hope you die." - I hope you die.
"I hope we both die." - I hope we both die.

Hard Life

We've done a lot of moving around and now it's time to get back to a more traditional type of suicide song. we're going back to our roots with Bonnie "Prince" Billy.


"Hard Life" by Bonnie "Prince" Billy from Master and Everyone


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kG2PL2zO034


"...and it's a hard life for a man with no wife. Babe it's a hard life God makes you live." How true. How matter of fact. How reserved to being exactly that. Life is hard. Notice how the lyric opens as though it is continuing from the previous thought. It also feels like the end of the argument. Where does one go from there, how does one rationalize anything past that point? Having Trouble? Feeling Bad? Not Sure You Can Make It? Sorry bub, life is hard. "But without it Baby don't doubt it, you don't even have your tears to give." How true. The dead know one thing, that it is better to be alive.

"I wake up and I'm fine, with my dreaming still on my mind, but it don't take long you see, for the demons to come and visit me." Yeah. "And I've got my problems, sometimes love don't solve them," Does it ever? "And I end each day in a song." It's an interesting look at his day. It shows what the important parts, or maybe the lingering parts. The waking moment when everything is ok, the demons, the problems, and the end of the day with music as therapy to guide him safely through the night.

"I know I'm a hard man to live with sometimes. Maybe it ain't in me to make you a happy wife of mine." Six months or so ago I picked up a copy of Schulz and Peanuts, a Charles Schulz biography by David Michaelis. I am not a big peanuts fan, and I don't read a lot of biographies. I bought it because of an interview I heard with the author on NPR promoting the book. At one point he talked about a scene in the book wherein Schulz and his wife were newly married and they were driving to their honeymoon. (Unfortunately I haven't made it this far in the book yet so I am paraphrasing what I remember from the interview.) Schulz apparently turned to his wife sometime on this trip and said "I don't know if I'll ever be happy." This has to be an odd and hard thing to hear your husband say on the way to your honeymoon. What Schulz meant was not that he was regretting his new marriage. He was being honest and open. He was giving warning that he was a depressed individual. This statement in the song is the same thing. "And maybe you'll kill me, honey I don't blame you. If I was in your place maybe that's what I would do." This line gives me chills every time. The thought has crossed his mind that his wife might kill him and that's ok. He calls her 'honey' while abdicating her responsibility to him and his life. With his soothing tone and terms of endearment he's forgiving her before the fact.

Up to this point the music has been a standard Appalachia style duet. There's an acoustic guitar, bass, foot stomp percussion, and vocal. One could easily seeing a mournful country fiddle floating over the top of the texture. The song is in a major key, yet the vocals are sad, and during the chorus the vocals are harmonized by a female voice.

After the second verse the music changes. The music takes on a very minor feel. Not to get too music theory nerd on you, but it moves to Bb major, but it relies heavily on the C minor chord. Overall it is a very uneasy and transitory feel. The vocals reflect this. "I ain't breathing, let me breathe. Let me go. Let me leave." This continues and an electric guitar sneaks in, as well as a new harmonizing voice, the singer's own. The female voice has disappeared from the texture. The way that this section builds is amazing. It starts out meekly about someone saying they want to leave. As the character gets stronger so does the texture, the stronger electric guitar comes in and instead of being a tandem vocal it is all him. This is brilliant songwriting.

"Hard Life" now settles into the key of Bb Major, playing the same chord progression as the beginning of the song in the new key. The electric guitar plays a solo that evokes a western feel. If it were a western movie it would be the music where the main character first sets off on his adventure and everything is hopeful and new.

Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment here or at suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net

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The River

In honor of Tax Day I figured we would examine a song that takes a look at the burden of the working man. This may not exactly be a suicide song, but it is about the crushing weight of the world one inherits when they grow up. Today we look at "The River" by America's working class hero, Bruce Springsteen

"The River" by Bruce Springsteen from The River


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAB4vOkL6cE



"The River" is a great song about growing up and realizing your responsibilities. We might not all have it as hard as the protagonist in this song, but we all have, have had, or will have those moments when you realize that you are the only one to shoulder the weight of your world and you might not be strong enough to carry it.

The river is the metaphor for the character's formerly carefree life. Driving to the river, swimming with Mary, and wasting his days are his most treasured memory. Not only was his time at the river the best time of his life, but the river was also where he would go to escape whatever troubles he was facing. That time was both his escape and his glory days, but as we all know glory days will pass you by in the wink of a young girls eye.

I'm going to keep this one short. I don't think I need to break down all the lyrics the way I usually do. I hope I've made my point already. There are two lyrics though that I'd like to look at.

"Now I just act like I don't remember, Mary acts like she don't care." I really think it speaks for itself, but I just wanted to point it out. I think it is the most telling statement of the song. Like laughing at something that makes you uncomfortable, we all have memories that dismiss as not bothering us, yet they eat us like acid from the inside out.

"That sends me down to the river though I know the river is dry." You can't go home again. You can't go back the way you came. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Things will never be the same, and they can't ever be. There is nothing I would rather do than be able to reconcile with my past, but I can't, because it is all I have left. "That sends me down to the river tonight."

I'm not one to hang on to the past, or at least I make a conscious effort to not live in it. I'll tell you one thing though, I would love to live in the summer I was 19, forever. I lived at home. I had completed a year of college and had decided that I was never going back. I was working at a local music store and making money under the table, as well as having next to no bills. I could do whatever I wanted. I remember one time in particular, riding home in a friend's car, (to identify it if he is reading: the car with the heart transplant), from a midnight movie at some local independent movie theater and thinking this is it, nothing will ever be better. Soon after, the responsibility started to pile on. They've never receded. They've always grown. Springsteen goes to the river. I go to the intersection of Woodward and Long Lake.

As always feel free to leave comments or suggestions here or at suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net

I'm The Ocean

It was summer 1995, and I was 14 years old when I walked into that Blockbuster Music store. Blockbuster was the first local music store to have a decent setup of listening stations. By local I mean near me and by decent setup I mean that there were stations with music already set up so I didn't have to get that annoyed stare from the guy at the counter when he had to open a new record just so that some kid with no money could listen to it and not buy it. The new collaboration between Pearl Jam and Neil Young, Mirror Ball, had just come out. Speaking as a child of the nineties I was already a big Pearl Jam fan, and Kurt Cobain's suicide note from the previous year had let me in on who Neil Young was. I bellied up to the listening station, put on the headphones, and hit play. That was it. That was the moment I knew that I loved music.

That first song completely surrounded me. It swept me into another world. It changed my life. It was the first time that I  needed to own an album. I knew there was no way that I could leave that store without that album. I don't remember how much it cost, but I remember it literally took every dollar I had in the world. I walked out of that store with a handful of change and my first copy of Neil Young's Mirror Ball.

"I'm The Ocean" by Neil Young from Mirror Ball




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mt98mHPI4mo

Note: There is no studio cut of "I'm The Ocean" available on YouTube. I would have uploaded it myself, but this live version really captures the essence of the song extremely well. However, some of the lyrics are different and misplaced. Here is a link to the studio recorded lyrics: http://www.thrasherswheat.org/fot/lyrics-ito.htm


"I'm The Ocean" is the song I was scheduled to be reviewed last time to fill out my fourth genre, the self-loathing suicide song, before current events made the last entry more important. This song was my personal anthem throughout high school and remains one of my favorite songs to this day. "I'm The Ocean" is classic Neil Young. It's a long story song that musically consists of the same four chords and same vocal melody repeated over and over again. The studio cut is seven minutes long and the one I've supplied you is nine, yet it is incredibly engaging. No one else can continuously build that kind of song for that amount of time and not only keep one interested, but also build one's excitement the way that Neil Young can. We never get bored because Young never gets bored.

There are way too many lyrics to do a breakdown of them all, so I am going to take a look at a few as the song progresses.The song starts with "I'm an accident," is this metaphor or fact? Is our character like an accident, or is he making an idiomatic reference to being the result of an unwanted pregnancy, as though he's not supposed to be here? "I was driving way too fast. Couldn't stop though, so I let the moment last." I am error, but there's nothing I can do about it; The metaphorical 'meh.'

"People my age, they don't do the things I do," I'm different. "They go somewhere," which I don't know about because I'm different, "while I run away with you.I've got my friends, and I've got my children too. I've got her love. She's got my love too." Ah, a glimmer of hope. Our character has people close to him, he's not a crazed loner.

Skip a few verses to "On the long plain see the rider in the night. See the chieftain, see the braves in cool moonlight. Who will love them when they take another life? Who will hold them when they tremble from the knife?" There are multiple aspects to everyone, not just the way you see them or the way they project themselves. It may be behind closed doors, but the valiant fighter needs his time to be scared, he needs space to be weak. It is hard work to be strong. It is mentally taxing and one needs to recover.

"Homeless heroes walk the streets of their hometowns, rows of zeros on a field thats turning brown. They play baseball. They play football under lights. They play card games, and we watch them every night." Some people can't reconcile with their past. Some people live inside their glory days forever, and some people let them.

The last verse: "I'm not present. I'm a drug that makes you dream. I'm an aerostar. I'm a cutlass supreme. In the wrong lane trying to turn against the flow. I'm the ocean. I'm the giant undertow." I am a huge force, but I am disconnected. I am of my own will, which is askew from yours. I don't belong here. I don't fit in here. I am spiraling out and if you don't keep your distance I will drag you down.

As always I would love comments or suggestions. Leave them here or email them to me at suicidesongs@communistdaycarecenter.net

It's A Wonderful Life

"It's A Wonderful Life" was the first Sparklehorse song I fell in love with. It was also the first Sparklehorse song I had ever heard.

On March 6th, 2010, Mark Linkous, who was Sparklehorse in concept and performance, ended his own life.


"It's A Wonderful Life" by Sparklehorse from It's A Wonderful Life.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjsUZRs770U

Sparklehorse's music is beautiful and fragile. His songs are composed of a string of precious moments; seeing an unexpected shooting star, running though a field of high grass, and the silence of the snowfall. It is all very beautiful and cherishes everything in the world that we take for granted. It is the quiet observation of the magic that sneaks out from in between every molecule, like a shadow blanket from the fourth dimension. It is an incredibly uplifting view of the world, and that's why I could not figure out for the life of me why it made me feel so sad.

When I heard that Linkous had committed suicide I was finally able to understand why his music makes me feel the way it does. It is a feeling that I've dealt with many times in my life; Everything here is so pretty and so perfect and yet I just don't belong. I am a faker. I've I cheated my way in and am pretending, wearing a thin veil, a human mask. I'm not fooling anyone and it's only a matter of time before I'm run out on a rail. Even at my best I am a failure to everyone else's normal. As Linkous himself says, "I'm the dog that ate your birthday cake." You can't blame the dog for doing what was in its nature, yet they are what caused you pain.

"It's A Wonderful Life," like most of Linkous' music has an expertly designed low-fi sound. One can tell by listening to it that the sound you're hearing is the one Linkous wanted, and not the one he got because he was limited in the studio. The song's instrumentation is only mellotron, guitar, vocals, bell kit, cello, record hiss, and 80's computer calculation sounds, which might sound like a lot, but keep in mind that the harmonic material is really just coming from the guitar, and mellotron, and that the melodic material is basically all coming from his voice. All of the other parts, including the cello, are really just reinforcing the song and adding to the overall soundscape.

"It's A Wonderful Life" is not only a great song, but a great album as well. If you get even a little pleasure out of listening to it then I suggest getting your hands on a copy of the entire album. You will not be disappointed.

The reason I am enthralled with depressing songs is because they keep me going. Nothing helps me through day to day life, let alone the hard days, better than really dark music. Suicide Watch Songs are just that for me, they're my suicide watch. They pull me back from the edge. I don't know the real reason. I don't view it in a "There's someone that feels the way I do" kind of way. Maybe it makes me feel like I am dead, or what I want death to feel like. Maybe suicide watch songs fill that void, give me that fix. Unfortunately it is way too easy to forget that the creators of this music are often in deep personal turmoil.

Suicide is a not a choice come to easily. While I don't ever want to see it happen, I have to respect it. It is hardest decision to make as a person. Mark Linkous, I hope what you have done has ended your pain, and I thank you for keeping my demons at bay if for only a little while. Rest in peace.

As always feel free to comment here or send me an email at SuicideSongs@CommunistDayCareCenter.Net 

Satan Is My Motor

FUCK IT!


That's right, I said FUCK IT!

I'm DONE, I'm Out!

and FUCK Y'All. I don't need you. You don't know me.

I don't need you. I'm fine on my own, 'casue Satan is my motor. Hear my motor purr.


"Satan Is My Motor" by CAKE from Prolonging The Magic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksd_PKe-ex0


As I mentioned last time, this review has to do with the 'Devil May Care' genre of Suicide Song. It is obviously a departure from the previous songs but with good reason. I have designed the first four blog posts to mimic my own listening habits during depressive cycles. The first two are sometimes flipped, and this one and the next are sometimes flipped as well, but overall this is the progression. It starts with the fall into 'The Pit,' those depths that are hard to climb out from. When in those depths every small situation feels as though it is out of my control. A feeling of helplessness overcomes, a sense that every outcome is predetermined, and that I have no control over my own life. At that point I need to find some power in my life. I have to get some control of something. Then begins a stage fueled by an emotion so eloquently described this way by Mary Shelley; "If I cannot inspire love, I will cause fear!"

"Satan Is My Motor" starts right off into the first verse with a verse of metaphor describing the protagonist of the song. "I've got wheels of solid steel. I've got tires that grab the road. I've got seats that selflessly hold my friend and a trunk that can carry the heaviest of loads." This verse describes how the character views himself in the world. He is the stalwart companion. He is virtuous, capable, and willing to help anyone at anytime. He views himself above all else the paradigm of the 'good guy.'

The pre-chorus then gives us an insight into the internal workings of the character's psyche. "I've got a mind that can steer me to your house, and a heart that can bring you red flowers." He has these parts of him that CAN do something, but Will he? Why does he? Why should he? "My intentions are good and earnest and true, but under my hood is internal combustion power, ..." I am a driven person. I have reasoning, and a thought process. I am cold and calculated.

"... and Satan is my motor. Hear my motor purr."

I have seen many interpretations on this song. The most common one is that Satan in this case is the character's sex drive. In essence saying "I like you, and I do these things for you because I care for you, but my ultimate goal is to get in your pants." I believe that it goes deeper than that. Satan in this case is any selfish drive within him. His sex drive is only one aspect of this, not all of it. This is not 'selfish' in the way we tend to think of a 'selfish' being. We tend to associate selfishness with not only thinking of one's self, but also as though the guilty party was purposefully attempting to hurt others with their actions. That kind of accusation in itself is a selfish act by my definition. "You didn't even stop to think about ME did you?" is a statement made by one inherently looking out for their self. They're not really thinking about the benefit gained by the 'selfish' person.

"Satan is my motor. Hear my motor purr," is a vie for power, a scream from that hopeless person that they have power in this world. I AM in control of my life. I am driven, and if I so choose, none of you can stop me in my pursuits.

I believe that those we consider to be evil or bad people don't believe themselves to be. I don't believe that people do things just to be bad. No one wakes up in the morning and says "I'm going to be a bad person today." Behind every evil act is a good intention or hard decision. Everyone knows the difference between right and wrong, but as was once said by someone wiser than me "Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what you do." How does one reconcile with themselves in such a situation? The next line of the song says it all; "Satan is the only one who seems to understand."

The lyrics go on to describe the character's control of the situation. "I've got brakes. I'm wide awake. I can stop this car at anytime. At the very last second I can change direction, turn completely around, if I feel so inclined." The question that remains is to whom is the character talking. Is "I can stop this car at anytime" a father yelling at the kids in the backseat, iterating control of the situation, or is he the lifelong smoker that says "I can quit anytime I want to," the person that has made that hard decision and can't go back, someone afraid that they are out of control? We are left with the character arduously climbing the crumbling side of the pit with all their energy directed inwards because to do anything else guarantees that fall back into self destruction.

Musically, this does not feel like a 'Suicide Watch' song. I suppose that means it doesn't have the timbre, or chord progression, or it doesn't move at a tempo that could put one near weeping even if there were no words. In fact it does quite the opposite. This song, and most of CAKE's music would fit in quite easily on the dance floor. They are particularly hard to describe musically. They have a unique sound that a friend of mine aptly coined 'Cosmopolitan Pop.' They are certainly one of those bands that is more than the sum of their parts, and I would highly recommend them to any music listener.

Thanks again for reading and as always I look forward to comments and suggestions. You can either leave a comment on this page or email me at SuicideSongs@CommunistDayCareCenter.Net. Next week we introduce the last Suicide Watch Song genre (for now), the self-loathing song.